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I have been ill for less than a week, and as always happens when im ill like this my mental defences have lowered. In past years this has always been a blessing, i would use this time to watch heartening films and feel the emotions they conjure oh so much stronger than usual, but this time, i didnt realise how much i have been relying on my defences to get through the day.
I had got to a point where i no longer felt my depression, then it started to come back a bit, bit i held it off, i kept myself happy, stopped it from getting a grip, but with my mental defences so lowered, i feel everything so much more strongly, and i can feel depression starting to get a grip on me again, i get so angry over anything and everything, i want to withdraw from the world, avoid my friends.. i want to cease like i did when i was depressed. Im not anywhere near as miserable as i was, but i feel disconnected and at a loss, and when i dont i just feel so angry.
I NEED to get over this bug soon so i can get my defences back in place before depression gets a grip on me again. This world is too illogical, too infuriating, too in-just, too difficult for me to take like this, i need my control over my feelings back, or they will destroy me.
There is some truth in the saying that "nice guys finish last". In all the classic stories of men heroically chacing the girl, "all's fair in love and war" and stopping at nothing until they get the girl they love, the man invariably has to go up against some pretty tough oposition, an ex boyfriend, a controlling mother, some demonic creature...
The problem with all this is that there is a certain selfishness required for such a romantic gesture, a selfishness that just doesnt exist in nice guys. The romantic hero will try again and again to convince the girl that he is the one for her, that they should be together, in the face of rejection, competition or outside consequences. However, never does this fierce romantic ever stop to analyse if this is the best course of action for her, and if he ever does, it is portrayed as a crisis of confidence, one that needs to be overcomed.
For the nice guy it isnt just a crisis, it is the crux of the issue. Maybe the girl deserves someone better, maybe the girl is better off alone, maybe the girl has someone else in mind who can make her happy, perhapse happier than the nice guy, where the romantic hero would sweep these concerns aside and show her he is her best option (even when he isnt) the nice guy will stop, and more often than not, will recognise that he may not be the best option for her, and back down, or in some cases, even encourage her towards the alternatives believing that this is the best thing for her. We see it time and time again in fiction and in real life, but unlike in real life, this is usually overcome in the end and again revieled as a crisis of confidence.
The fierce romantic ends up with the girl because he stops at nothing to have her, the nice guy ends up alone because he will always look out for her best interest, even if they do not coincide with his, and then end up suffering in silence. Society would have us believe that the nice guy in this situation is the weak one, but it takes a hell of a lot more strength to give up the girl than it does to chase her.
So the nice guy does finish last, and alone. Not through any failing, but because he is too good for his own good.
The irony in this is that the nice guy is usually the best good for her, but they are too modest to think that, and the girl is too programmed by society to see it either, and is instead attracted to the fierce romantic as society tells her she should be.
Im not exactly sure where im going with this, but i have been watching a new TV show, and the feel of is had got me in a sort of a self-reflecting mood.
I have had arguments with my friends, and a couple people i wouldnt class as friends, about the subject of what wisdom is, and how it comes about. Its such a strange subject, everyone thinks they are wise, everyone thinks they have a special insight into things, so when everyone is claiming the same thing and making their arguments of what it means simply by describing themselves, its hard to tell what wisdom actually is.
I dont like taking definitions and self-reflections purely from my point of view, because i am biased, i see a side to me, and have invested interests in me that no one else has, but i also have not seen the side of me that everyone else does, how could i? I dont know what its like to talk to me, to be friends with me, i dont know the quality of my advice, because i have not seen how it affects them, only how it affects their actions, i have no clue whats going on inside them.
So here i live, in my little bubble where i am always right because there is no one to argue with me, and i occasionally interact with other bubbles. The only true source of information is mean information ba
So here is it: Wisdom, as best i know it.
Wisdom comes from Intelligence.
Without intelligence, wisdom cannot happen, everyone has a ba
Widsom needs Experience.
Without experience, wisdom cannot happen. everyone has experiences, obviously, even the most sheltered person in the world has experienced something: what it is like to be cut off from the world. Without experience, knowledge has no context, and what is wisdom without context? Wisdom needs context, if a man told you to always stand up for yourself, to not let yourself get pushed around, that your identity is all you have, he would seem quite wise, but if he was telling you this in the context of you being threatened by a mugger... well, not so wise.
Wisdom needs perspective.
Well.. no information, no knowledge, nothing can exist without perspective, 9/11: a glorious strike against the great satan or a hideous attack on innocents? Batman: a dark night, protecting all, or a public menace racking up millions in damaged personal property of Gotham citizens? The bible: A clever piece of mind control designed to keep the stupid masses in check or the most inspiring book ever written and a message from God himself? Everyone colours all their information by their own personal perspectives, it would be impossible not to. But a wise person should recognise that his perspective is only 1 perspective.
A wise man knows he is special
A wise man knows that his experiences, and his mind, and intelligence, and knowledge, and prejudices has produced a unique perspective, a perspective that could benefit people who need it, a perspective that is unlike any in the world, for no 2 people are identical. He knows he is wise, from his experiences, and his insights he knows he has something worth contributing.
A wise man knows he is not special
The wise man knows he is not above mistake or new learning, he knows his perspective is not always unbiased or ob
(and as a compensation and clarification after repeatedly saying "a wise man", a wise man knows that wisdom is not unique to men)
As far as i can see it, and as best as i can describe it, wisdom is the collection of advanced perspectives and perceptions. Wisdom in itself is not factual, or ob
A wise man sees the truth, beyond misleading facts or frivolous concerns, he sees life, as it is, and he sees mankind, as we really are.
Long ago, i became very attracted to a girl in my class, being extremely shy, it took me a long time to ask her out, but eventually i did. Unfortunately, my teenage hormones, and my total lack of social instincts lead me to totally fuck up that relationship. After it all ended, long after it should have, i decided that i was done with women until i learned the social maturity to be able to treat a woman as she deserved to be treated by her boyfriend.
This state of affairs lasted several years, and i became quite content with my own company, growing slowly more mature and quickly more confident. Then the year of hell.
2010 rolled in, and with it, a lifetime of crap poured down on me.
However, through the year of hell, there was one ray of light. for quite some time now, i had been allowing myself to grow fonder of a friend of mine, she was smart, funny, unique and quite pretty. However, there was a critical moment around 2009, when, im not quite sure what it was, but i chose to open something inside myself to her, something that had been shut until this point. But 2010, i was in love. I refused to acknowledge it, i refused to cheapen the word "love" on anything that wasn't the real mccoy, but i soon gave in to the feeling, there was no way that it could be anything but love, in a dark, pitiful, childish life, it gave me purpose, joy, and strength, it was like the sun to a man who had lived underground his entire life, the warmth and light was overwhelming, it helped a lot that she grew steadily more and more beautiful over time.
Now, there is a whole story here that i wont go into, a story that may not be wholly responsible for my transformation from boyhood to manhood, but it was the thing that gave me the strength to make that transformation in the way that i did, through pain and sorrow and loss, and terrible burden.
Whatever else it did to me, falling in love with Joanna opened a part of me i had closed a long time ago. It opened feelings, feelings i had locked away to protect my heart from the cruelty of constant bullying at school, protection that was no longer necessary, but none the less still in place, until her. She opened my heart, and gave it strength, and purpose, and power, and passion that it had never known, but she awakened something else in my heart that would have been better left sleeping. An incredible loneliness. It has taken me until now to finally come to terms with her not feeling for me as i feel for her, and to strengthen myself against it, but that loneliness has remained constant. Where i was once happy in my own company, i now crave for a person, someone who will accept me, not the person i pretend to be, not the invincible man of power and control, but the weak, passionate boy underneath.
The more i create a persona of strength and invulnerability and self-sufficiency with which i face the world, the more disconnected i feel from the world, and the more i crave that someone who will see who i really am.
That loneliness eats at me day by day, just another in a long list of pains i carry with me, but the only one i would gladly give up.
I love that heartbreak that comes from a moving page in a book, a touching scene in a film, or television series, that soft hurt in your heart that feels the emotion from a safe distance. You can feel such powerful feelings, and then put down the book, turn off the television, and continue with your life, with a tiny joy in your heart for having felt so strongly, with so little cost.
I was asked this question:
1) I didn't ask to exist (as far as I know), I didn't make my brain, my body, the world and what it contains, I didn't pick the options in front of me that I have to choose from... I can only work with what is in front of me, where is my REAL say in things?
2) Don't people just love us for our functions because once we become a threat they throw us out? So they don't love us, but our beneficial actions towards them?
3) Even in religion don't people just look for eternal self-preservation by molding themselves after an authority figure, who is not better or worse than them but different?
4) Aren't we just ob
5) Is love a made up concept, since humans just mainly want to control others to be molded unto them, and rejected once unmoldable?
6) How are there so many people alive... why live?
:( Can someone please care??? :(
My answer didn't fit in the answer box allotted, so i posted it here and gave her a link.
You're right, a lot of the time, we don't have a good set of choices, we just have to make do with what we are handed, but this is not always the case, at many times, we get many options, and there isn't always only 1 good answer, at that time, we make our best choices because if we don't, we will be restricted to choices we don't want again. If, and inevitably when we end up with only bad choices ahead of us, we distinguish ourselves not with our choices, but with our attitude, our strength in taking a bad choice and making it work.
You are here, you didn't get a choice, but you get a choice on how you will go through life. Many of my decisions were made for me, against my will, but the way i lived with those choices, the fact that i took them, and made the best i could out of them, even if those choices broke my heart, that is what i am most proud of, not making good choices, but how i handled the bad ones. No great man becomes great though his good choices, but through his actions and his resolve when his choice is taken away.
People LIKE us for our functions, if you fail to perform those functions, they don't like you any more and you are discarded, but love is much stronger, and rarer, no matter what people say. When i say love in this context i don't just mean romantic love, but a connection, where they are part of yourself, you value them enough that they are a part of who you are, without them, you are not you.
At that point you love them, and their function becomes something new. They are part of you. Their most important function is to fill a small part of your soul. Best friend, wife, children, parents. You cant throw these people away, because you would lose part of yourself in the process.
However, as i stated this is rare. Only 2 friends have ever earned my love, and only 1 woman my romantic love, not even my whole family have my love if i'm really honest with you.
Beyond that, you are totally right. If you stop doing for them what they like you for, you are surplus to requirements, and are excised.
Many people in religion are just looking for their heaven-ticket, much of my motivation in my religion is to avoid losing my seat in heaven. But i have come to trust God, not just because he will get me into heaven, but because thought i have suffered in life, i have never had no options left. "God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." 1 Corinthians 10:13. This has been true throughout my life. Even if that avenue of escape is just a word of encouragement, a memory, a principle that allows me to hold my ground against the storm, i have never been left with nothing.
How can a God who has never left me stranded when i really needed him not be trusted? I Trust him and count him as one of my great friends, even though i am a terrible friend in return. I do not love him as my religion demands, but i'm not entirely motivated for my own self interest, he is my friend.
Without self-reflection yes. We are made with routines, and desires, and values, usually modelled on our strongest paternal figure, and if we don't question them, then they rule us, and for the most part, we cant escape them. But we aren't without some freedom. We are uniquely able to look at ourselves, to judge our actions and our character, and if we are so motivated, to work to change ourselves. It is a long process, but when we persevere we can choose who we are.
Its not easy, but its possible.
Love is not made up, i have felt love, for a couple friends, and oh so much stronger for a woman, but it can only happen if you allow it to. You have to open yourself to people, let them in, be confident enough in yourself to share yourself with them, and vice versa. I don't mean sex, i mean you soul, to share with them who you really are, to make yourself vulnerable to them. When you do that, and they don't crush you, but open themselves up in return, it is wonderful. There becomes a person in your life who is real to you on a whole new level, someone as worthy as you of happiness, and choice, but oh so much more wonderful because they are showing you all this. They can teach you hope and joy and love because they, unlike the shadows we live amongst are a real person, as complicated and vibrant as you are, and so much more so by comparison to the world you are used to.
You cant bear the thought of being exiled back to the world of shadows you lived in before them, and they change you, and most importantly, you let them change you. You only manipulate and control others because they aren't as real to you as you are. They are the shadows around you, they aren't people. But when you see a real person you start to wonder how many others there are out there.
Love is a wonderful thing. My brother pretty much personified what you are talking about in Number 5. He wouldn't do anything for anyone without it somehow helping him. If i needed a ride, even for something extremely important, he wouldn't even pick up his keys without me promising to buy him ice cream. Everything he did had to come back to him somehow, but then he met his fiancée and he softened. At first i thought he was just being nice around her, but she showed him a better way of living, an openness and kindness and believed in him. He has become such a better man since her. He was never evil or mean, he just didn't seem to care before her. Now he keeps surprising me with his generosity, i must accept that he has become a better man for meeting her.
Love makes you want to change. You see a real person, and you see in them so many things that you thought you weren't capable of, and you wish you were, and they teach you to become that. My kindness and willingness to open up to people, my strength, i owe to the woman i love. She didn't love me, and so i have returned to the shadows but i have returned a changed man for having seen another person as real as me. And she was better than me.
The majority of people live because they don't consider that there is another option. Those who do are split into 3 categories.
1) The miserable, too afraid to end their lives, but too miserable to enjoy them either.
2) The truly happy, those who see their lives for what they are and enjoy them to the full. Every painful event is a learning experience, even joyful one, a moment to treasure. There is no down side to a life once you have chosen to live it right.
3) The suicides.
Which one sounds better to you? I was miserable for quite some time, maybe a decade, but at long last, i have grown to accept my life, to see in it all the good things, to appreciate all the lessons i have learned, and be thankful for my chance to learn them. I am glad i was bullied at school, that i was depressed, i am glad i have lost friends, and made bad choices, these things have made me, and after a long time of trying and working, and after a little help, i am happy with who i am, and so thankful of how i got here. I have asked all these questions before, and now i am happy. Some day you can be too.
I hope this helps.
Many many years ago, I have no clue when, society was born. A group of men (yes men, if women were the first, then we would be living in a matriarchal society, which I am not convinced wouldn't have been better) got together and decided to just talk out their troubles. Man A didn't like it when Man B hit him over the head, and Man B agreed he wouldn't like it if it happened to him. Man D also agreed he would find it unpleasant. Man C, who was a masochist really enjoyed it, but kept quiet because he didn't want to be excluded. So together they decreed that they would not hit each other over the head anymore because it is wrong. And so the first societal rule was made.
Now I don't know this was the first rule, but it makes sense that it was.
After this first meeting, everyone, except Man C, was pleased that they weren't getting hit over the head any more. So pleased with themselves they were, that they decided to make more rules, and soon there were thousands, many didn’t even need to be said, the basic rule "if I don't like it, then no one likes it, if I like it, everyone does" could be referred to if they didn't know a rule to fit any situation, and so even more rules were made without even trying.
Soon society was running smoother than ever and everyone's lives were improved, there were some small problems, like with Man C, but on the whole, society was a VAST improvement on how things were, and was as close to perfect as anyone could ever have dreamed. Things were good.
Then times changed. New technology, larger groups of people, new challenges, and new rules were added to accommodate the changes. This was all ok, the rules were no longer perfect, as some rules that people followed were now out of date, but it was ok, because they were still better off with it than without. But times kept changing, and more and more rules were made, but very few were ever unmade.
Soon, there were billions of rules being followed by society, a decent percentage of which made no sense in modern society, but things kept changing, rules kept being made, and people kept following the rules.
Now let’s skip ahead to the present. Thousands of years after the first rules were made be it only a couple thousand or hundreds of thousands, who even cares. The point is that for thousands of years, rules were being made but never unmade. Society has changed to become almost unrecognisable from its original state, and not for the better.
Let’s go back to Man C all those years ago. He liked getting hit, but because he was the only one, it was ok for him to keep quiet about it, and for society to agree that hitting was wrong. But now that towns are easily reach hundreds of thousands of people instead one or two dozen, there are many people who enjoy getting hit. These people are not hurting anyone, except each other, and they like it so no harm done. But buried deep in society is the idea that it is wrong. So these people are rejected as deviants, as bad people. This is just one of tens of billions of examples of how societal rules are no longer appropriate for the modern world, but by no means the least problematic.
Let’s take racism. Once upon a time, a white man saw a black man and saw that he was ignorant of many things Mr White took for granted. Mr Black enjoyed his life, and was probably as smart as Mr White, but not knowing of things he had never seen (duh) he was thought to be no more than an animal, and so Mr White sold him.
Eventually Mr White and is friends realised that Mr Black was just as smart as Mr White, and so they were freed... eventually. To stop Mr Black's tragic circumstances ever happening again, a rule was made that no one should ever call attention to the fact that Mr Black was black. Now however, this rule is widely unnecessary as we all still know Mr Black is black, we just don't care. However, we still follow the rule that we can’t talk about it, so the rules that initially kept Mr Black safe is now keeping him different, because we all have to walk on eggshells around him, whether he wants us to or not, because if we don't, society calls us deviants, and bad people.
Now we have seen 2 obvious examples, let’s see a more complicated one.
Let’s say that your friends invite you out to town at 7pm, to have some drinks. You haven't seen them for a while, so you agree. You then walk into town and find that the first pub you went to is totally full. So you excited at the day out want to check out some other pubs, but your friends all want to go back to one of their houses and play video games instead. You don't like this plan so you now want to go home. Social protocol states that if you now go home because they didn't choose your plan, you are just being a baby. This rule was designed to stop assholes forcing their own way on others.
Now let’s look at this again. You are 2 hours and 3.6 miles into a disappointing night, and you are right back where you started, with a very boring plan ahead, but you came out to be with your friend’s right? so don't be a baby. Just because you didn’t get your way doesn’t mean you should just ditch your friends, right?
But what if you were initially invited out at 9pm to play a bad video game on a tiny screen with friends after you just walked 3.6 miles and are kinda tired? No one would blame you for saying no, and rightly so.
So societal rules here are now calling you a bad guy if you don't agree to plans that really aren't that appealing.
Or how about the old classic.
You are at home, and you have friends over, you are quite poor, and all your friends are pretty well off, however, with your meagre income, you have managed to get a respectable home. You are now hungry, but societal rules dictate that if you have food, you must offer your guests food too. This rule was made so that the rich affluent people who used to invite people to their home often would share their food, and not just taunt the poorer of society. 90% of the time this is a good rule, but in this case, when a poor guy is hosting, not such a god rule. You don't have enough food for all of them, and can’t afford to give it to them if you did. You could all order food, which would mean you only have to pay for your own, but you can’t afford that either. So to avoid being a bad host, you don't eat. Societal rules have now forced you to remain hungry in your own home because you are playing host.
The men at the first societal meeting would be appalled. All these rules that we follow were made by the majority a long time ago, in order to make life better. But they are almost all out of date, and often have the opposite effect to that which they were intended, and this is all ignoring the minority that the rule was bad for in the first place.
So here we are, thousands of years down the line, and all trapped by a set of rules that are exploitative of the minority, and largely out of date.
Let me drop some knowledge on yo ass. (I use this phrasing satirically, but there is nothing wrong with using that phrasing seriously, the majority just finds it annoying, so it is now only done by “bad” people)
-Masochists are not mentally ill.
-Male porn and Female porn are equally good/bad.
-You and your black friend enjoying a racist joke does not make you a bad person.
-If you don’t enjoy socialising in large groups, that does not make you a loner.
-Being clever does not make you a nerd.
-Being a nerd is not a bad thing.
-Being stupid does not mean you are worth less than a smart person.
-Being physically weak does not mean you are worth less than a strong person.
All these things are blindingly obvious when you stop and think about it, but all these things are contradicted by societal rules.
And last, but not least, my closing statement your honour, there is another set of rules that was made by the majority and has been added to over time: The Law. Everyone knows that the law gets things wrong. It is largely a force for good, but it is so vast and self-contradictory, it has been added to so many times, that a clever lawyer can use it to make good people pay and bad people free. Societal rules are just as flawed as the legal system, and makes JUST as many mistakes, except that societal court doesn’t even need proof, if the majority say it, it is so.
So societal rules, the glue that holds us together, is used, every day, knowingly or unknowingly, to make the majority conform to an identical set of principles, and squash out any individuality, whilst at the same time crushing the minority underfoot as it goes. These rules, made to enhance the human experience have become oppressive, exploitative, homogenising, and a hindrance to every free ex
So next time I break one of your precious societal rules, stop and think for a second, as to whether or not what I did was actually wrong, and if it wasn’t, then just shut the fuck up and let me get on with it, or better yet, think for yourself, and break a rule or two of your own.
*I’m assuming that freedom, democracy, and the rights of the individual are still our ba
This is my first blog... ever... i would have put this into a story, but it just doesn't fit any experience, because lets face it, it isn't an experience, its an opinion, a feeling, but i digress, this IS my first blog entry, so if I'm doing it wrong somehow, be kind.
When i was in secondary school, i was bullied, and as a response, i withdrew into myself. I withdrew so much, that i was one of the most shy in the school by my 2nd year. I was like this for so long, i forgot what it was like to be confident. But then, enough was enough. I threw myself into social situations, i went dancing with pretty girls, i chatted to strangers, and it was HORRIBLY uncomfortable. But as i kept throwing myself into these frankly hellish situations, i grew used to them, until eventually, i actually started getting enjoyment from them.
Now i am almost completely oblivious to the concept of embarrassment. I enjoy throwing myself into situations and then getting control over them, i enjoy pushing my social skills as far as i can, but still inside myself i can feel that timid little boy i was all those years ago, and it is just a complete disregard for the consequences of my actions that allows me to act confident. This is not to say that i am reckless or thoughtless, i do worry about the consequences, but i push it to the back of my mind, i detach myself from that worry to view it ob
Now i have loads of friends, im pretty good with the ladies, and you wouldnt guess that i was once too shy to even ask out a girl i liked. This sounds like a good turn around, but there is more. I never understood the social "graces", i would make a fool of myself when i was younger because i didnt know better, then there were the quiet years, and now i make a fool of myself because i coudlnt care less :) but i digress.. again.. I have aspergers, the more i think about it, the more i have to admit the diagnosis may not be wrong after all. So not only did i have to overcome my shyness, but i had to figure out every tiny rule, every social convention, and even just how to talk to people, without any instinctual charisma i have gone from shy and withdrawn to the confident, smooth one in the group.
And this is where this article touches upon its namesake. I have plenty of quiet friends, and they annoy the hell out of me, because they don't have aspergers, many werent bullied at school, and one had a long term relationship with a hot girl who asked him out! and still they are quiet and unassuming and totally incapable of doing what i did, and just diving in. If i can overcome 7 years of intense bullying, and aspergers, then why cant they overcome what they have?
I have one friend i have tried to help. Since his long term girlfriend left him, well, he was before, but especially since, he has been unable to pluck up the courage to even talk to an attractive woman. So i took it upon myself to be his wingman. I have tried everything. I have got small groups of girls to come sit with us, he goes and hides in the toilets, i threw him at women, he shied away, i even got him an open invitation to go sit with a dozen or so really hot girls, "tell him to come over any time" they said, "we'll be here all night" they said, and this is some serious accomplishment, i am an aspie who managed to chat up a dozen hot girls simultaneously and totally sell my friend to them, and after this monumental task, one which i doubt i will ever pull off again, he still refused to go talk to them.
I learned to be confident by throwing myself into situations confident people dealt with, no matter how uncomfortable i got, and i have told my friends this, and they just cant make that first step. They want to, but they cant. The most frustrating part of all this is not that i cant ask girls over to our table without one or two guns running away, but that i dont understand why they cant take that first step, why they cant just grit their teeth and dive in. I keep trying to help, and they seem to appreciate me trying, but seriously, why cant they just do?
When something seems beyond your capabilities, you grit your teeth, close your eyes, and go for it, with all that you have, that's how you overcome it. If you come through unscathed enough times, you will realise you could do it, and you will learn how to do it again.
Previous Posts3 Pilots, 1 Head, posted April 10th, 2013
I need my defences back, posted March 21st, 2013
Nice Guys Finish Last, posted March 19th, 2013
Thoughts on Wisdom, posted March 18th, 2013
Pandora's Box, posted March 7th, 2013
I love soft heartbreak, posted March 4th, 2013
Superficiallife had a question., posted January 30th, 2013
Society is broken, posted December 22nd, 2012, 2 comments
My quiet friends annoy me., posted December 20th, 2012
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